As someone without very many close family members in my life, the people that I've chosen as friends through the years have always been valued as most important. They are my people. I support them, I try hard to maintain my relationships with them. So often tho, because of the fierceness with which I love, that love and support isn't always reciprocated. I've learned the hard way, especially recently that people exist in boxes within our own minds and we assign importance to them. Sometimes we assign too much, expect too much, or sometimes we just expect to be met with what we give out. To feel as tho we are valued to them as much as they are valuable to us.
The thing is tho that we can't always expect other people to love like us. They love like them. Part of friendship, or any relationship is accepting that the people involved are different. And sometimes those differences are okay, and other times those differences make us leave the situation feeling like we give consistantly but are never on the receiving end. As years pass and we grow older we go through many friendships and essentially get our heart broken (yes friendships can break your heart to) frequently. But it may take that for us to realize what we need out of something. The best learning comes from pain and It takes trial an error to learn to put your own needs first. The act of putting yourself first is not selfishness its mandatory. We are important.
I crave human attachment. I need to feel in a close friendship that support is abundantly there. I need to know that I am in someone's life for more then laughs and enjoyment of company. To know that there's always someone to call when the weight of the world seems to be crushing me. That we both connect over something real, something deep and honest. Friendship with me requires late night secret telling and eating of junk food. It requires laughing and crying but often both.
Most friendships tho, are those where support comes with limitations. Conditional love. That when things get ruff or the support becomes too vast in asking, that friendship melts away into the shadows. I gravitate towards broken people because I know what it feels like to be broken and have no one. Usually taking on their pain disguised as my own, I can't separate myself. I feel for them, I cry with them. We find something to laugh about. That is friendship. But friendships like those often hold people like me back because we are the ones who feel the emotions of others to profoundly. There needs to be a happy balance.
A type of love where the one who has seen you at your lowest, fought with you till you both wanted to kill someone or each other, kept loving you anyways. The kind were you feel lost without them. I'd never had anyone stay up with me all night holding me as i cried, and then i met that friend that turned into a sister and before that day, and the many identical ones that followed, I didn't know that friendships could ever be that deep. And i didn't know how desperately i needed arms around me until she did that. Some people you meet and you just fit like a puzzle piece and connect like magnets.
And although the unstable ground of friendship still feels so new and cracked to me there are those who exceeded my expectations. The ones who proved me wrong when I said I couldn't find people to love me for me. The biggest thing worth fighting for in my life are the people that I love. I would go through hell and back, fight every zombie from The Walking Dead and walk through the fire of the Dragons from Game Of Thrones before I walk away from them. Today I am grateful for the beautiful women in my life that I not only get to call "friend" but more importantly, "Sister".